Oli wrote:On the inside/rim side of the tube? wtf?

Yeah inside. It's a curse I tell ya!

This is one of those posts that I can't quite predict in advance. Someone grizzled a few pages ago about non-bicycle related content, so up front I'll declare that this one's probably going to be a bit on the light end of the bike spectrum. Scurry off now, if a ride story's what you want.

This thread is the closest thing I've ever kept to a diary, and it's been used on and off by my Mum to check up on me. *waves* I occasionally enjoy looking back through it, and reminiscing, and thinking about what's changed and what hasn't.

Why write in public? My identity's not secret, so anonymity's not an attraction. Nor am I really interested in, or even conscious of, the audience. I don't think I want praise, although I suspect that's something I do rely on IRL. On the other hand, I am constantly impressed with the quality of advice and support that is cunningly hidden in the murky depths of this forum, and I am more than happy to tap into that. I think I write here because somehow the act of posting forces me to think, and write, in a way that I can't seem to replicate sitting in my armchair at home, away from the computer. I also have grown to respect and trust the vorb community. I'm an educator, from a family of educators, and I suppose a wee bit of me accepts there's a fair chance someone might benefit from reading what I share, bike-related or not.

If I were to look back through this thread, I'll notice a few things in February or so. I suspect there won't be a Karapoti story, nor will there be one from the Hospi Ride. March and April and May and perhaps even June will be very quiet. Around the posts tailing off will be mention of feeling like shit on the bike, and powerless, and I would expect to detect little enthusiasm in what I did write about. At the time, I had a bunch of tests, including full blood work, and a chest xray. These ruled out what I was hoping for (anaemia) and a whole lot of things I hadn't even contemplated (cancer). The physical lows I was experiencing were completely foreign to me, and I was convinced I was physically unwell. As the various tests eliminated possibilities, I started to focus on the fact that absolutely everything we do (maybe not everything, but forgive my hyperbole) relies on our brain. Perhaps I can pedal, but I just don't want to? How on earth can mental problesm be eliminated as the cause of a feeling of physical weakness? My GP and I discussed depression as a possible cause of my ill-health, and I started a course of anti-depressants.

The predicted six weeks before liftoff took approximately twice that, but slowly and surely, weakness started to fade. I started wanting to work hard, rather than knowing I had to but feeling unable to. As work came online, whatever the opposite of a vicious cycle is, started to kick in, and ultimately the anti-depressants kick started a chain reactive positive feedback loop. Nothing's quite as depressing as feeling depressed, and on the flip side, feeling not-depressed was quite envigorating.

Eventually I felt in control enough of life to reintroduce riding. I pretty certain that indirectly riding was a large part of the cause of the depression, at least in the way that I'd used it to hide from real life. The wonderful sensations of fitness, success, enjoyment and simplicity of riding a bike, could not justify doing it at the expense of all else. I think that at the moment, the balance is about right. I'm finding time for quality, with varying levels of quantity.

I'm not sure what I'm good at on the bike. I certainly don't have the talent of someone like Monolith, and don't ever expect to be a podium finisher in something like the PNP series, but I do like interesting riding, and I do like working hard on a bike, and on a good day, I can surprise myself (and others!). I have been very fortunate to have a couple of close friends who know a hell of a lot more about me as a rider than I do, and know how to push my buttons, and get the best out of me. Kaitlyn asked me just yesterday how I came to be friends with Oli, and I told her about meeting him at Cycle Services and his wife at uni, and how aspects of the man, rather than the mechanic, had been incredibly important to me. Simon I met on the Makara Peak Supporters committee, and we knew each other for a few years (though barely ever rode together) before he invited me into his home when my relationship with Kaitlyn's mum collapsed. Somehow, between the two of them, knowingly or not, they help me set myself challenges, to which my body reacts very well. At the moment, both sides of the magical power/weight ratio are on the improve, and I'm loving feeling my body adapt week after week.

Tonight I rode home in the rain after a hill session with Simon, on a bike beautifully serviced by Oli. In terms of self-awareness, I have known the joy of being dry in the wet longer than anything else I can remember. As a boy, I used to stand in my grandmother's glass house during heavy rain, just inside the open door, and I would stare at the rain falling inches from me. I'd be dry, but feel like I was in the wet. Simon, Oli, and the rain all came together tonight, as I rode home in my brand new Ground Effect Flash Gordon, my shirt inside bone dry despite the water everywhere. And lo and behold, that simple trigger led to all this flowing out, even though it's been waiting to get written for weeks now.

I suppose this all belongs in the w00t thread, so forgive me for stashing it in here and sullying a thread that's meant to be about riding. There are a bunch of you who knew most of that anyway, and cheers to you all for your support. I don't know if any of that made any sense, and I'm not about to start proof reading my posts now...

That's beautiful bro, and not just because I'm in it.

It's great to see you back, and I don't mean your bike riding.

I should proof read... But, too late for that now. Of course you and Simon have been much more important than bike-important. But you know that!

all good mate. love to read your posts, and that one is at the top of the list.

as to your strengths on the bike... well you have put me in the hurt box enough to say you have a natural talent which comes out when you focus on having fun

Great post Sifter.

cheers Sifter - I don't know you but that was deep and certainly got me thinking...

Awesome. Nice to read a good bloke getting things back together.

Joel wrote:all good mate. love to read your posts, and that one is at the top of the list.

as to your strengths on the bike... well you have put me in the hurt box enough to say you have a natural talent which comes out when you focus on having fun

The man not have 1 iota of descending skill, but the size of the painbox he has for climbing, is MASSIVE.

Do you spend a lot of time in other mens boxes slacky?

Sifter (John ) that was great and just goes to show what can be achieved when you ride a bike and not just from a fitness side of things. I too have met some great people on Vorb during my time posting on here and have come to call the friends outside of Vorb which is great!!! Keep up the posting Sifter it is inspiring

Thanks, John, and goodonya.

Back to the riding!

Had a great scoot around the grand loop at Makara Peak yesterday evening. Sitting on the bus after work, I just couldn't help notice the fact that it wasn't raining... The Raleigh XXIXer goes sooooo much better with the Avid BB7s on instead of the BB5s. Probably doesn't hurt that I've dropped a few kilos.

86.8kg on the scales this morning... Next Wednesday will be five weeks since 90.4kg...